im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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