I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
