She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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