i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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