I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
