GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
