I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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