you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
