Acid is not a monday night drug
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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