Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Pants are for mortals
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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