I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I love you. Go after that dick
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
