she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
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