i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
