Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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