i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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