you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
