It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If I die, sorry about rent.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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