If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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