The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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