A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
