i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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