I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
