So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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