I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
