i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
