I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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