I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
