I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
