I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
