I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
