don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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