If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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