only you would photoshop your dick
i dont even know how to be here
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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