i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
As shirtless as possible
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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