He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
