Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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