I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
