Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
