So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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