I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
