I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
