laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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