I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
