K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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