Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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