dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
