You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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