I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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