1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
