Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
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There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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