my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
