So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
