the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
