i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
