her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
