Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
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Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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