I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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