So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
