She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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