The maid of honor just puked.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
