I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
