Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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